


Don't Look Back

by shytrash



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, B.A.R.F. | Binarily Augmented Retro Framing, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt minor comfort, Insomniac Tony Stark, Mentions of Steve Rogers - Freeform, Nightmares, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sad, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, can't think of anything else to tag, lol, mentions of Bucky Barnes - Freeform, mentions of peter parker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29799360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shytrash/pseuds/shytrash
Summary: A brief look inside Tony's use of the Binarily Augmented Retro Framing and how easy it is to let the use of it slip out of his control.
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark
Kudos: 8





	Don't Look Back

It was worrying, how easy this routine had begun. How it was treated as a ritual, an  _ obsession  _ almost. He went from nursing a glass of scotch in his hand as he plunged himself into his own traumatic experiences to holding the bottle by the neck, hands tight around it in desperation. It started off innocently enough. Seeing if he could find peace with the moments that haunted him if he played through them, came to terms with them. Or maybe he wanted to torture himself further. Tony isn’t quite sure anymore. He plays the memory of saying goodbye to his parents after the university demonstration. The students didn’t know he was high as a kite when that scene was actually happening all those years ago. Wasted out of his goddamn mind because he knew he’d be putting up with his asshole of a father that day. For a long time, he held guilt about it, even though he recalls barely seeing a sober Howard in his younger life. It was something they had in common. Now, knowing what he knew, he almost felt bad for the older man. Killed by a man who he thought was a friend. How foolish of him. Tony felt like he’d been killed by a former friend too. Well, the old version of Tony was killed off. Another similarity and he  _ hates  _ being compared to his father. 

After Siberia though, after being left for King T’challa to find and help back onto his quinjet, broken and in pain, he began to relieve everything. The bright blue of Steve’s eyes with  _ the hint of green  _ that Zemo was talking about, staring at him, the pain that was written across his face.  _ He’s my friend.  _ He goes through every scenario he can until he’s vomiting alcohol and bile, tears running down his face. There was one where Steve’s shield was slamming into him again and again  _ and again  _ until Tony couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, blood trickling out of his mouth and eyes unseeing. That had left Tony unable to move from the floor where he was laying once the simulation ended. He swore he could see Bucky in the corner of his vision sometimes, even though the glasses were off. It seemed like the lines between reality and memory were starting to blur. 

He wakes up with a throbbing head and a disgusting mess to clean up. The glasses give him migraines that last all day until it’s dark outside and it’s time to put them back on and go through his past, one memory at a time. Pushing through the pain inside of him that’s growing rapidly every day. During a memory from his teenage years where Howard has his fist raised, ready to drunkenly strike Tony, he looks back up towards his father and suddenly it’s the Captain. With the shield above his head, eyes full of anger and disappointment as he looked down at Tony. It didn’t even make him jump, instead of resigning to his fate and letting the feeling of betrayal wash over him once again. He puts it down to being drunk while using B.A.R.F, which he isn’t meant to be doing. There’s a lot of things he shouldn’t be doing these days. However, Tony Stark is an adult that can tell people to  _ fuck off and mind their own business.  _ Nobody wants to even poke the bear, unwilling to be the one that makes him crumble apart. He tells himself it’s fine and continues to live in exile, blocking anyone from getting too close. 

Sure, it is fine. He can lie and say it’s just fucking  _ dandy  _ if it gets people off of his back. He’s been waking up at random times of the night when he does try to sleep, and Bucky’s standing in one corner with Steve in the other and it makes Tony want to  _ scream.  _ Sleep doesn’t happen after those incidents and it gets harder to focus on work and creating when he’s running on barely any sleep. It feels like he’s pushing himself beyond what he’s capable of handling and he doesn’t know how to stop, how to pull back and give himself a break. Doesn’t feel like he deserves a break from the guilt of all the destruction he’s caused. To countries, to families, to his friends. The chaos is everywhere he goes and it makes him feel like a dead man walking sometimes. 

  
  


.

  
  


Unsurprisingly, it only got worse after he’d return to Earth. There was no Peter. He’d faded to dust in his arms after ripping Tony’s heart out with his bare hands.  _ I don’t want to go, sir, please.  _ He didn’t think it could get anything worse after everything he’d been through, yet that did it. It ripped him apart as he watched Peter fade in the wind, crumbling to  _ dust  _ and Tony was plunged into hell for the next year until he had made it home. Pepper was there, thank God or else Tony’s not sure he’d have made it. She couldn’t stop him from slipping away and delving back into the same scene that plays in his dreams on repeat though. He never won against Thanos, probably the reality that they failed so spectacularly making it impossible to imagine a world where they did, in fact, succeed. They finally met their match and it cost them half the population. The most powerful creature in the galaxy was a mad titan but he succeeded and left them with the aftermath. There wasn’t enough alcohol in his cabinets when he finally broke into them and started downing shots even though he hadn’t put all the weight back on yet. He was pushing himself because he deserved it, deserved the burn in his throat and the unsteadiness in his body. 

Rhodey found him on the floor, sobbing, drunk and mumbling about his mum and Peter. Tony was such a mess at that point he didn’t realise his friend was even there, seeing through him when Rhodey was kneeling above him, trying to get him upright. He wasn’t aware of what was happening until he was being undressed in the bathroom, the shower running behind them. He felt like a stranger in his own body as his shirt was peeled off of him and his pants hardly needed encouragement to come off, given how much weight he had lost, his boxers being left on to give him a small shred of dignity. “R-Rhodes? Rhodes… ‘m sorry, s- so sorry,” he struggled to talk but tried his best to, overwhelmed with the emotions he felt. His friend didn’t respond, simply dragged Tony into the shower with him, fully clothed. The hot water felt nice on his skin and he tried to get his shit together while he stood there, being held upright by a now drenched military man. 

The silence that stretched between them wasn’t uncomfortable necessarily, Tony simply knew that Rhodey’s disappointment would have to be addressed when he sobered up. It made him feel ashamed to let himself be seen at such a low point. It was always Rhodes that found him too. When he felt like he could stand by himself fully he pushed away from his friend, one of his arms steadying him as he held it against the shower wall. “I’m going to wash your hair, then you, then we’re hopping into bed.” The colonel’s voice wasn’t as cold as Tony thought he deserved. He was soft-spoken instead and it made the mechanic feel worse about the whole situation as he felt Rhodey’s hands in his hair, leaning into the touch despite his inner turmoil. 

  
  
  


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**Author's Note:**

> Hi, just me again, with some Tony angst.   
> A short little look into how easily I think Tony could get lost with the glasses and misusing them.   
> Let me know what you think! Thank you for reading!!


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